April 9, 2002

During my four years of high school, I was proud to be part of the International Baccalaureate program, known the world over for being impossible to spell in over 72 languages. If you are one of the fortunate few who do not know what IB is, allow me to quickly explain.

Imagine your regular AP classroom. Now take out some of the students. No, more than that. Yes, that's about right. Now, imagine you're reading Anna Karenina while strapped into a chair and they won't let you out until you write five “commentaries” on topics that have nothing to do with the book. Plus, you have to fill 894 notecards with unrelated material found only on microfiche in libraries not in your hometown. That's about what IB is like.

The basic premise behind IB is that students who move around a lot internationally need a curriculum designed so that, no matter where on the world map a student may end up, it will exhibit the same amount of subjectivity and vagueness. But let's face it. There is no way to have a unified world curriculum. We speak different languages, care about different histories and issues, and disagree over whether murdering Israeli children qualifies as “service” or “action” volunteer hours.

The good people at the IBO, however, (which is located somewhere on Mars) have overcome this difficulty with great cleverness and skill. By making the test questions so vague that no one can figure out what they're asking, they ensure that a majority of international students will at least believe their educational needs are being met.

An AP test, for example, might ask the following calculus question:

1. Solve for f'(5.6):

f( x) = 4x^3 + 5x – 1

The IB test would ask the same question like this:

(1) Select two (2) of the following functions, each from a different world region, and either (1) integrate, (2) differentiate, (3) reincarnate, or (4) criticize from a feminist perspective those functions with respect to (1) each other, (2) the function of your choice, (3) Fidel Castro. (15 points)

As it turns out, it's about that time of year again – that time of the year when IB students' thoughts turn to exams. The exams can be either very hard or very easy, all depending on one simple factor – what you study in the bathroom for the five minutes before test time. I recommend Paul Johnson's History of the American People over Nintendo Power.

Most of the IB exams will be essay-based, meaning you will have a limited amount of time to write a whole lot of words, most of which will communicate nothing. Strangely enough, spelling and grammar don't count, just so long as the test grader can figure out what you were trying to write. Fluidity, structure, and general coherence of thought don't count either. So what do those poor graders look for on an IB essay? Allow me to show you a snippet from an actual IB grader's rubric that I got access to by making it up just now:

________ Mentions Karl Marx (5 points)

________ Contains at least 3 references to history writers that you've never heard of (15 points)

________ Contains the word “socioeconomic” (3 points)

________ You are in a good mood (900 points)

Now that you know what the graders are looking for, you know how to write an acceptable IB essay. Here's an example of an essay that helped get one lucky student a normal diploma instead.

(3) Compare and contrast any two of the following dictators: Fidel Castro, Francisco Franco, Ronald Reagan, Adolph Hitler. (1 point)

“Fidel Castro and Francisco Franco were different in many ways (James, 1997). For example, Fidel Castro presently lives in Cuba, while Franco lives in another world region entirely (unless he's dead (Jaspers, 1965)), so you can't disqualify me on that basis (Rice, 1964). According to German theorist and writer of excessively wordy pseudo-science books Karl Marx, Castro and Franco differed socioeconomically (Marx, 1854). Castro, for example, used the Cuban Socioeconomic Plan, living in Cuba, while Franco used something else, also socioeconomic, but distinct. This had many results. Your hair looks nice today. :-)”

Here are some additional wonderful test-taking hints:

1. If you answer the optional sections that your chemistry teacher did not teach you, you will certainly get most of them wrong.

2. If you answer the optional sections that your chemistry teacher did teach you, you will certainly get most of them wrong.

3. There are no right answers to the Stats section of the Math Methods test.

4. If you answer the intentionally vague questions instead of the more specific ones, the grader won't know how to grade them and will give you a “2” because that it is his favorite number.

5. If the test is not a higher-level test, keep in mind that colleges really don't care how well you do.

6. Demonstrate analysis. This involves criticizing your sources as you use them. For example, “According to Henry Kissinger, getting out of the Vietnam debacle was one of the greatest accomplishments of the late 20 th century. However, can we really trust a source that talks unintelligibly and in a foreign accent?”

7. Remember – quantity over quality!

I've done all I can, noble IB students! You're on your own from here. May the graders love your writing style and may the Wal-Mart generic brand cola-flavored product be nice and fizzy on test day! Good luck.