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June 6, 2005 As it turns out, I have a younger brother. Several, in fact, but one in particular, named something along the lines of “Jonathan,” we shall say, had the happy fortune to be the first among us to get married, to a beautiful girl that we shall refer to as “Erin.” You can tell he's married because he's presently off in Jamaica with this girl completely unchaperoned and my parents are just thrilled about it. You can also tell he got married because there are about eighteen tons of rice scattered liberally throughout the house and hotel, where Jonathan evidently changed out of his tuxedo several times (It took me maybe about seventeen tries to get it on, so it's at least possible. I mean, how are you supposed to know what to do with “French” cuffs if you are not Miss Manners or Louis “the” Fourteenth? As far as I could tell, their sole purpose was to hang out, obscuring your hands so that you would look even more like a silvery penguin plus cufflinks.) It's the first wedding I had ever been to where we actually got to throw rice after the reception. So much more fun than wimpy birdseed or bubbles. However, there should have been a warning sign or something to the effect of: “Please do not hurl rice at departing happily married couple with the force of a hydraulic cannon used in tornado simulations.” But although the bride and my mother had thought of just about everything, up to and including a load of sugar-free candy in the hotel room for yours truly Atkins-ing, they had forgotten the “no tornadic force” sign, so it was practically like they were running a gauntlet on their way to the car, hands over their heads as if diving for shelter during a 1940s bombing raid in London (that is, if the Germans had bombed the city with rice). And thus (a word derived from the Latin for "with lots of rice") did Jonathan begin a new life, and thus did I acquire a strange new thing called a “sister,” which, after exhaustive research, I have discovered is in many ways like a brother, but with many more shoes and a higher predilection for scrapbooking. I shall report any further findings as I uncover them. However, Erin might be getting the bigger package deal here. She is, after all, acquiring three brothers with her husband (as well as a whole bunch of other fun new relatives that drove a number of miles exceeding the circumference of the earth so I could say hello to them and immediately watch them drive back), and she's only had sisters growing up. Well, having a bunch of Guins permanently in her life, particularly a Guin of the Jonathan variety, will be a fun, new experience, and not only because he has fewer shoes. I've had lots of experience with the Jonathan sort of Guin, and I am happy to inform her that a Jonathan model is outfitted with all the latest in features designed to help you lead a fuller, longer life, including: Supreme loyalty! Jonathan is only a year younger than me and, surprisingly enough, always has been! We're very much alike, him and me. That's why I always tell people, “If you want to know what Jonathan is like, just imagine me. Well, a thinner me. A thinner me, with dark hair. A thinner me with dark hair that isn't falling out. A thinner with me dark hair that isn't falling out and with normal taste in sporting events, movies, and games, also less passive-aggressive, less oblivious, more coordinated, and better at just about everything involving thinking on one's feet, such as shaving.” People at Harding University who've met both of us independently usually have no idea we're brothers, but we really are alike in many ways. Really. And just as soon as I can think of those many ways, I'll let you know what they are. In honor of this special occasion, I've written Jonathan a song. The concept here is a heroic anthem, inspired by memories of little two-year-old Jonathan with a plastic sword and shield, off to heroically slay dragons. The references to “Master” are based on Jonathan's common internet screen name, “YourMaster.” Click here to access the MP3 file of the piano music. IF YOU'RE A MASTER No one'll take up the blade. But I know one who'll take up his sword, There's a wrong to be undone You don't have to fight it alone. Though dragons wing the skies You've got the love of your family and friends If anyone out there can right the wrongs you can. For you're the Master (repeat)
Congratulations Jonathan and Erin! I wish you all the best in your new life together. |
Chris Guin is a 25-year-old software engineer at a Cambridge research company, and a recent graduate of Tufts University (M.S.) and Harding University (B.S.). He's Christian, conservative, and originally Alabamian, and he posts new C-Files roughly whenever he wants to, usually every month, if you're fortunate. You can see the complete C-File listing here, or see everything he's stocked away at Narf's Cavern here.