April 3, 2005

This morning, I had something stolen from me – an hour of my life. The perpetrator of the theft is (surprise!) the federal government, who has likewise robbed every person in the country of an hour of sleep in, I'm sure, a nobly intended hour redistribution program or something, in which the hours were supposed to be delivered to insomniacs and instead wound up getting lost in the bureaucracy in Washington. Well, I don't know about you, but I want my hour back! And if I seem cranky, well whose fault is that?!

It also might have helped to have remembered the time change some time before 9:30 AM, when my clock read very firmly “8:30 AM,” and my former roommate was supposed to come pick me up for church. It is ironic, I suppose, that I didn't remember, because I made it a point of reminding everybody else for something like two weeks prior to the change. They should set off sirens or something, as if a tornado or some other massive disaster was eminent (or worse), so that people like me who don't watch television can have some kind of warning.

Actually, come to think of it, I did watch television yesterday. I watched Fox News, which instead of performing the noble task of warning me about the upcoming hour theft that night, was too busy describing scenes at the Vatican in their “non-stop coverage” of the passing of John Paul II. I realize that it's absolutely critical that we hear continuous Fox News color commentary on the proceedings:

SHEPARD SMITH: Okay, what you are looking at is the Vatican City, where there appear to be some large number of people standing around waiting for word on the Pope's condition… yup that is quite a large number of people and they are waiting… indeed they are waiting fervently and I'm certain, with prayers and longing in their hearts, because I am psychic, or possibly because they have candles, but I'd just to reiterate that there are a large number of people here at the Vatican, and they are waiting… yup…

Would it hurt so much to have added, “And on a side note, you will have a precious hour of your life unceremoniously robbed from you this evening?” I think not.

And don't try to tell me that I'll “get the hour back in the fall.” I have one inappropriate noise for that suggestion: pfffffffft. The joy of one extra hour of sleep does NOT in any way make up for the pain of losing an hour. We are talking totally disproportionate here.

As far as I can tell, rest is all about consistency and cycles, which are things that should not be tampered with, whether you are giving me an hour or taking one away. I have enough trouble keeping my sleep cycle regular as is (maybe I need more fiber).

Last night I went to bed at about 12:15 AM, which is more or less standard for me. I went to sleep , however, at 4:30 AM – oh wait – make that 5:30 AM $%^#$%^#^ - which is somewhat less than standard for me. This despite the fact that I drank no caffeine, ate nothing after 9:00 PM, and did not watch anything traumatizingly scary such as an episode of 7th Heaven. My body does not care about such things. For some reason, it decided that I really really wanted to stay up throughout the night, but I didn't want any mental faculties while I was at it.

I am a big fan of mental faculties myself. I suppose in my condition I might have finally been able to enjoy most of the WB lineup, but I wasn't lucid enough to realize this. Instead, I paced, stared at the computer, read, and forgot completely about Daylight Savings Time, which I have now decided needs to be repealed. Who's with me?

Fortunately, I'm not the first person to think of this idea, so I don't have to look nuts. Instead, you can actually sign a petition to end Daylight Savings Time right from your very own home computer, where it will soon be ignored by your very own local congressperson, such are the wonders of technology. The petition authors also want to divide the United States into two time zones instead of a needlessly complex four, because “no lives in Mountain Time Zone anyway.” That aspect seems less important than the ending of DST, seeing as how Mountain Time Zone never stole an hour from my April. But I couldn't find another petition website that didn't have that addendum, mostly because I didn't look.

I'm rapidly becoming too tired and bleary-eyed t toype mufadh n vcmb,asd

…

…

Eh? Oh, sorry, I must have dozed off because of some federal crime committed against me this morning or something. But don't worry, I am wide awake now, and lucid enough to do a lot of research for my Colonial America bibliography, which is due tomorrow. It's not like research requires just a whole lot of mental faculties, right?

Okay, enough of this pointless optimism. Who's up for storming Washington ? I bet they have my hour in a magic box somewhere, like in that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where all their voices get stolen, and all we have to do is kung-fu our way into the Capitol Building or whatever and smash the box with a hammer at the gripping, last second, and then we can go about our business until the show moves to UPN and starts to suck.

qw 0va vl sa ewoi tjreo… eh? What?

Wake me when it's over.