March 27, 2005

There are just some times when huge life-consuming extravaganzas needn't be burdened with such things as a “point.” Weddings, for example. I'm sure that, back in the day, weddings were (and this is a wild guess, here, so don't quote me on it) celebrations of a new marriage, known to involve, as celebrations sometimes do, acts of fun. Now, of course, weddings are all about conforming to a particular cultural pattern and keeping a mysterious group of unnamed people happy (perhaps the FBI?), and we are forced to wonder, occasionally while trying to stand as rigid as possible in the line of groomsmen while looking natural and like we're enjoying it, why anybody bothers with weddings in their present form.

Of course, some extravaganzas don't even have the virtue of having had a point sometime in their history, such as preschool graduation ceremonies (“And now a few words from our valedictorian, Emma, followed by a benediction from our salutatorian, Emma. Please stay behind the drool zone.”)

And some extravaganzas are probably best left without a point. In this category I would place “Spring Sing,” a life-consuming extravaganza held annually at Harding University in the enormous Benson Auditorium (“Seats population of one (1) Eastern European nation”). If you don't believe me that Spring Sing is pointless, try explaining it to someone from a relatively sane part of the country such as Nome, Alaska. Here, I'll play the part of a lady from Nome, hereafter referred to as “Miss Nomer:”

MISS NOMER: So tell me, reader of “C-File #148: On My Final Spring Sing Show/Rainbow Road,” what exactly IS Spring Sing, pray tell?

YOU: uh… uhh…

MISS NOMER: It does take place in Spring, does it not?

YOU: I don't know… it's colder than the left side of Hillary Clinton's bed out there…

MISS NOMER: Oh, because Hillary sleeps on the right side?

YOU: No.

MISS NOMER: Well, is there singing at Spring Sing?

YOU: Does lip synching count?

MISS NOMER: Hmph. You stupid second person pronoun! You are of no help! I suppose I'll have to see it for myself!

And thus, how Spring Sing generates revenue for Harding University. Well, I guess you could say Spring Sing has a point in the sense of “larger purpose,” although the spectacle still lacks any sense of coherence or plotline, but you know what? I'm OKAY with that. It's an enjoyable life-consuming spectacle, even if it is not a theatrical production or something that can be explained in a single geological epoch.

There are many things to like about it, like practically numerous things, involving numbers, such as Matt Nix's awesome drum solo that lasted, according to my calculations, 76 hours. There's also the theme, which, this year, was very light hearted. The theme was “Lighten Up,” which, in case the audience forgot in the process of blinking, the hosts/hostesses feel the need to mention every picosecond. The hosts' banter often sounded something like this:

“It's sure great to LIGHTEN UP watching Spring Sing, isn't it, Mary Catherine?”

“Oh, why can't you LIGHTEN UP, Sam? I mean, THAT IS THE THEME, is it not?”

“Why, yes, Mary Catherine, the THEME IS LIGHTEN UP! Ho ho!”

But a minor quibble. I actually found the banter mostly amusing, as opposed to how I usually feel about it, which is something like, “This has 4:59 AM job written all over it.” I enjoyed most of the big numbers, and all the club shows were entertaining and well done, except of course, for the one that won the final prize – the JuGoJu stewardesses show. They might as well just rename the prize from “Best Overall” to “Annual Prize for Being JuGoJu.” However, the lightly populated Wal-Mart themed show did surprisingly well, surprising in that the lightest populated show usually feels limp and unimpressive. And the judges seemed to recognize this, announcing in a speech on awards night:

“And now, for a new award category, ‘Most Spirited and Enjoyable Kingsmen Show in Quite Some Time,' we present this stately plaque to… JuGoJu!”

The best part of the show, however, is without a doubt, the part where I wasn't trying to write funny shows in my head while it was going on. You see, my brain is such that, whenever I see something creative happening, I immediately start thinking about what it would've been like if I had helped out with it, and this can be unhealthy and prevent the enjoyment of the show. So I vowed not, I repeat, NOT, to write more Spring Sing shows that odds are, no one will ever do anyway. Not a one, you hear me? Not a one.

…

Okay, maybe just a little one.

RAINBOW ROAD
(Mario meets the Beatles' Abbey Road album! It's so obvious I can't believe no one's thought of it before!)*

JUMP TOGETHER (cheap midi)

Here come ol' plumber, he got magic mushroom, he shoot fireball power, he jump koopa troopa, he say “I jump you, you jump me, one thing I can tell you is you've got to hold B!” Jump together right now over me.

HAMMER BROTHER'S HAMMER (cheap midi)

Super Mario, like an impresario, jumpin' over blocks, pipes and rocks and pieces of brick that flo-o-o-oat.
Jumping hurdles well, kicking every turtle shell, gets an extra man, thinks he can score points til he reaches 9-0-0-0.
But as he leaps right over a pit, a sound comes from behind…
Bang bang! Hammer brother's hammer came down upon his head!
Bang bang! Hammer brother's hammer made sure Mario's dead!

LITTLE BLOOPER'S GARDEN (cheap midi)

I'd like to be under the sea in a Little Blooper's Garden, in the shade.
Beneath the blue of stage 2-2, in a Little Blooper's Garden, in the shade.
I try to swim, he knocks me dead!
I think I'll go play Duck Hunt instead!
I'd like to be under the sea in a Little Blooper's Garden in the shade.

I THWOMP YOU (cheap midi)

I thwomp you
I thwomp you so bad
I thwomp you
I thwomp you so bad I squish you quite flat I squish you quite flat

HERE COMES THE SUN (cheap midi)

Here comes the sun! (doot-and-doo-doo)
Here comes the sun and I say, he'll kill you!
Little Mario, just tryin' to make it through the desert.
Little Mario, can't ever get a break from nature.
Here comes the sun! Here comes the sun! And I say, he'll kill you!

YOU NEVER GIVE ME YOUR MUSHROOMS (cheap midi)

You never give me your mushrooms.
You only give me your fire flowers.
And when I'm running out of fi-re power
I break down!

You never send me your gold coins.
You only send me your koopa troopas,
And when I'm getting tired of stomping goombas,
I break down!

Out of plumbing, got no coins, all I've got are worthless points
All the money's gone, nowhere to go!
Plumbing brothers charge a fee, but I save the girl for free!
All the money's gone, nowhere to go!

But oh that magic mushroom! It helps me grow…
Oh that magic mushroom! It helps me grow…

MEAN MR. BOWSER (cheap midi)

Mean Mr. Bowser has made a mess,
Kidnapped Princess.
No return address.

Likes to eat some plumbers for sna-cks,
Never lets the kingdom rela-x,
Keeps his bridge right next to an a-x!

Such a mean ol' Koopa.
Dirty ol' Koopa.

PRINCESS PEACH (cheap midi)

Have you seen Pri-incess Peach?
She's so good looking but she's quite out of reach!
It's a continual hastle
She's in some other castle!
Have you seen Pri-incess Peach?
Yeah yeah yeah!

HE CAME UP THROUGH THE PLUMBING SYSTEM (cheap midi)

He came up through the plumbing system
Grabbing every coin he finds
But though the Princess can't resist him,
Seems he got money on his mind!

Didn't anybody tell him?
Didn't anybody see?
Warp from here to level seven,
Warp from there to level three, oh yeah!

CARRY THAT SHELL (cheap midi)

Boy, you're gonna carry that shell, carry that shell a long time!
Boy, you're gonna carry that shell, carry that shell a long time!

THE END (cheap midi)

Oh yeah, all right! Will this game just end up a dream tonight?

And in the end, our princess is in another… castle!
AHHHHHH!

HER MAJESTY (cheap midi)

Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl and she's the only girl I've got
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl but she's kidnapped an awful lot…
I want to tell her that I love her a lot, but I gotta kick a turtle in the shell.
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl but can't she ever save herself?
Oh yeah, but can't she ever save herself?

*Seeing as how it's my brother Jonathan's 21st birthday, I feel as if I ought to dedicate this to him. He loved Mario growing up, and HATES the Beatles, so it seems appropriate.

**Free midis downloaded from MIDI Database