February 6, 2005

I read the news today, oh boy!
-St. John Lennon

I read the news today, and as it happens, some items caught my eye that I would like to reproduce for you here verbatim.* Normally, I only read the substantive parts of the newspaper, like Zits, but today I thought I would splurge and read the completely fictional and humorous parts at the front instead. Here ya go:

COUNTRY SHOCKED THAT PEOPLE DIE DURING WARTIME

WASHINGTON - As the death toll of the Iraq War nears the historic .00001%-of-a-single-World-War-II-battle mark this weekend, Americans carefully selected for their moderation, representativeness, and large numbers of Kerry/Edwards buttons expressed shock, surprise, and dismay that the Iraq War has resulted in deaths.

"Deaths?" exclaimed one particularly moderate American, Walinda Fishburne of Ann Arbor, Michigan. "During a war? Since WHEN?!"

These Americans, sensing that the death toll will only go up in coming years (instead of down), have demanded that troops be withdrawn in the most abrupt and shameful way possible. They continue to remind reporters just how moderate and representative they are of the country as a whole.

"We are very moderate and representative of the country as a whole," said Fishburne.

A recent survey conducted in a very official manner determined that roughly 94% of all Americans find war, on the whole, "an unpleasant business." (The Very Moderate and Representative Media Polling Service, margin of error +/- 94%)

STUDIES LINK ATKINS DIET TO INCREASED MEAT CONSUMPTION

CHICAGO - Scientists at the National Center to Promote Nutrition and Sell Books released a study Friday thoroughly dissing the Atkins diet. Numerous studies with very credible abstracts have linked increased intake of fat with, according to the press release, "absolutely everything bad."

The evidence mounts that fat intake is heavily linked with obesity. A recent 2003 study by the University of Colorado at Boulder has correlated eating fat with being fat on the very scientific basis of "they are the same word."

These studies have alarmed the normally uninterested and altruistic diet industry into action.

"We have to do everything in our power to fight the evil Atkins fad," said weight loss and nutrition guru Zelda Wonker. "Far too many people have fallen prey to the promise of rapid weight loss while enjoying food. Real nutrition and health come only at the expense of several hour appointments with your local authorized dietician each week."

"People need to stop getting thin so fast," said Walter Pudzinsky, CEO of the Dancing Hypersexualized Anorexics Advertising Agency. "Or at all. It's just not healthy."

In response to such very scientific evidence, the Federal Committee to Redefine Nutrition to Match the Taste of Rich People has turned its attention to the more egregious fast food purveyors of calories and death, such as Hardee's/Carl's Jr., who's new "Monster Burger" contains enough grease in a single sandwich to supply the elementary school cafeterias of Alabama for up to two years.

In a formal press release, the president of Carl's Jr. issued the following statement: "We are aware of the risks to health and nutrition that accompany the consumption of our new Monster Burger, but we would like to remind our customers that the bun can be removed."

EVOLUTION PROVED ONCE AND FOR ALL, SO STOP ARGUING

BERKELEY - University of California researchers have at last proven the fact of Darwinian evolution "definitively," according to evolutionary biologist and Bulgarian wedding dance instructor Jeff Hollonfitzen, Ph.D.

"Not that it needed proving, given that it is a fact and not in any way a theory," said Hollonfitzen.

"It's as definitive as definitive can possibly be," said fellow researcher Wendy Furkly, Ph.D. "Right here on this very scientific computer simulation, which actively recreated the entire history of life on earth. It took about 16 megs."

"The idea of 'irreducible complexity' as defined by Insane Creationist Michael Behe is laughable from every biological standpoint," explained Furkly. "Not even worth looking at. Thus, it was necessary to request several million dollars in research funding to build a computer simulation definitively proving that evolution can produce irreducibly complex systems, given the assumptions that Darwinism is totally true and that all life is reducible to four Boolean variables."

"Evolutionary biology is very scientific," added Hollonfitzen.

Many scientists have found it necessary to reinforce the unassailable truth of Darwinian evolution after attacks from local school boards suggesting that it is inappropriate to label alternative theories as "rank heresy" in children's textbooks.

"Questioning a reigning scientific theory from the 19th century is tantamount to raising the sacred barrier between church and state," said Furkly. "That principle is recorded somewhere in the Constitution, I am practically certain."

Insane Creationist Michael Behe could not be reached for comment, as nobody cared what he had to say.

*Pulled out of my rear end.