December 19, 2004

Gosh, it feels like so much has happened since my last C-File! Unfortunately, I wouldn't know about any of that because I was working on SoftDev.

SoftDev, for those of you just now joining us, is an actual Soviet-style acronym used at Harding University to obscure the truth - the horrible, pulse-pounding truth of a project that's SOOOOOO hard and SOOOOOOO long that senior computer science majors do practically nothing except whine about it, including work on the project. We have learned nothing if not how to suffer loudly.

The idea behind SoftDev is simple. The seniors are divided into teams and the teams compete to make a computer game, usually based on a board game. The actual requirements as listed in the syllabus aren't terribly strenuous, as the following actual verbatim quote states:

"Objective: To make a computer game. Maybe have help files if you get around to it."

However, the grading is competitive. Thus, when a computer science student actually reads the syllabus, this is what he sees (this is a process the Bible Department refers to as "hermeneutics"*):

"Objective: To build a massively detailed and intricate 3D board game so RAM-hoggingly awesome that no computer built prior to August will run it successfully, and so that a good-sized plurality of user testers will soil their pants with delight at the original music, graphics, and sound effects, as well as the tightly designed object hierarchy."

The professors don't exactly discourage us either. Oh sure, they'll whine about the smell in the SoftDev lab from time to time. But when they see the reams of paper used for our code printouts,** they just sit back and smile. They may say things like "Put your relationships first yadda yadda" (actual quote), but what they are thinking is, "Wait 'til the accreditation committee gets a load of this!"

We don't mind. This is our time to shine, meaning smell like poo. Because we live in the SoftDev lab, where food and drinks are provided free (by the magical soda fairy!), as well as a window overlooking some trees in case walking across the hall to the facilities would just be too inconvenient (and for us computer science majors. ok, we didn't do that). People would move actual armchairs into the SoftDev lab. The local pizza place had several of our names in its database as residents of the SoftDev lab. We were in there a lot.

But all luxuries aside, you have here the makings of a very stressful semester. What makes it especially stressful for people like me is the nature of group work. You see, I often get into moods where even so much as a trace element of another human being will push me over the edge (usually into a state of catatonic passive-aggressive rage. that's about as bad as you'll ever see me). And here's the thing they don't tell you about group work until it's too late-these "groups" of which they speak. are groups of people! This is intolerable. I mean, computer science majors have been known to avoid eye contact and shuffle about awkwardly in the presence of the Microsoft Paper Clip. Why on earth would any computer science faculty put such an emphasis on human interaction?

I know, I know. Because they want us to learn how to deal with people, and I admit it, I've learned a lot about dealing with people, the primary thing being that people aren't worth dealing with. You know that little voice telling you in the back of your head how much better you are than everyone, and how if you just did all the work yourself, it would be done ten times as fast, ten times as well, and not have nearly as many random bugs? As it turns out, that voice is exactly right. Other people get everything wrong. Only you and you alone can do it right. And that goes for all of you!

Actually, I am just joshing. Other people have been known, on rare occasions, to do things correctly. You should always be ready for such an event to occur. This is a process we in the know like to call "delegation." Delegation is where, when something comes up that you don't want to do, like work, you say to someone else, "You do it!" This may decrease the odds that it will be done exactly to your liking, or at all, but it will certainly increase the odds that you'll get to play "Super Mario Sunshine: Because We Couldn't Think of an Even Gayer Name" more than you otherwise would. Delegation is a wonderful thing.

Being a team leader is quite an honor, of course, which is an academic codeword for "load of additional uncompensated work." Observe the high school "National Honor Society," which punishes students with high GPAs by taking their money, their morning hours, and giving them nothing because no university actually cares whether you were a member of "National Honor Society." It's the same concept. A high GPA and the esteem of one's peers results in. additional work. Don't get me wrong, though. The experience was actually immensely valuable. Not a second went by where I did not learn something about computers or human nature, usually involving how the two don't mix. Finishing the semester gave me a wonderful feeling of accomplishment, as well as constipation, although I'm fairly certain this is a cause of correlation rather than causation.

Anyway, I would love to be able to go back and give all my friends and family the time I spent making a game that won't matter five minutes from n-no wait, it already stopped mattering. I apologize especially to all of my loyal C-File readers. You are both my favorite people in the world, and I will do my best to be funny every Sunday evening from now on, or at least until people stop feeding my praise habit.

* Also "exegesis." Also "realized eschatology."

** if(AllWork() && !Play()) {Chris = dullBoy;}