August 15, 2004

The first thing that the groom said to me as I arrived at the church to play the part of "Best Man of All" at the wedding of Taylor Vincent "T.V." "Let Me Check My PDA's Concordance" Williams and Jennie "Jennie" Dixon was "I have one word for you: elope."

Of course, these kinds of jokes are always followed up immediately with loud statements to no one in particular that go like this: "Not that I'm not enjoying this wedding as much as humanly possible without the help of regulated substances, no sir! Because I love weddings! And I would never be serious in suggesting to the best man that he SIGN PAPERS AT THE COURTHOUSE instead of bothering with 7-TON FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS and APPROXIMATELY EIGHT THOUSAND THANK YOU CARDS because, boy, do I love weddings!"

Being at a wedding rehearsal is similar, I imagine, to living in the best-selling novel 1984 by George "I Have One Plot" Orwell (the sequel, Godzilla: 1985 was only marginally as successful). You have to be very careful to appear to be having fun at all times, or else the fun police will take you to a back room and force feed you various layers of the bride's cake. We groomsmen were all the time being told to "remember that this is a fun time" immediately after being told to stop having so much fun. This is particularly true of two of the groomsmen, who spent the entire rehearsal bantering about ways to improve the wedding ceremony ("Ooh! Ooh! What about a massive sword fight on the dais?" "Yes! That would go great with the lavender bridesmaids dresses!"). They would be constantly breaking ranks to go run to the groom and suggest ludicrous ways to make the wedding more fun, to which somebody would always, "Stop cutting up and get back in line! Keep your hands to your sides and smile like your lips are allergic to your teeth! And remember, this is a FUN OCCASION!" This did not stop them, of course, because the minute they stopped bantering, the stress would cause them to wither into mummy-like creatures in stylish vests.

I know it's silly to complain about the minimal stress suffered during a couple days of wedding fun-time, especially when the actual bride and groom and their respective families have run themselves ragged for months already. I also know that you're not supposed to complain about weddings because "this is supposed to be about the bride and groom." But this is a heinous lie. It was never about the groom. He was out of the decision-making process the moment he selected the engagement ring, or sometimes, before. Nor, for that matter, is it really about the bride, or the bride's family, although it might appear that way. Nope. A wedding is designed to please "people." Allow me to explain.

You see, the reason nobody ever does anything really sensible at weddings (such as combine rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and reception into one mega-banquet, or, hire look-alike actors to play the bride and groom while the real things flee to Cozumel) is because what they really fear is what "people" will think. Does the bride really want a low-key, informal ceremony? Well, what would "people" think? "People" would think bad things! And "people" must be appeased!

Wow, you might be thinking. Who are these "people" that are so unreasonably critical that their presence, real or imagined, drives young couples into committing themselves to more stress than four years at medical school packed into a single summer? Well, I've figured it out. "People" is my immediate family.

Man, but my family can be critical. They always come equipped with Olympic-type point cards to hold up after I do anything. "Chris, don't you think that last chew could have been more firm?" they are all the time telling me. It gets to me so much there are times when I want to yell, "Do I ever do ANYTHING RIGHT?" But I don't yell that, because I know they would just go and get out the handy book series, An Evaluation of Everything Chris Has Ever Done, peruse it, and say, "Hmm, as of today? I'd say about 38% right."

This is why being Best Man of All was a mite stressful. I knew that, while everyone else would be paying attention to the bride and groom, my family would be staring directly at me the entire time, clipboards at the ready like old ladies at the DMV, ready to tick off some points every second I failed to smile sufficiently.

And the thing is, I thought I had it all figured out. If the bridesmaids start to relax their taut cheek muscles, I thought, it's okay if I do, too. This is not to suggest that my smiling was not genuine - it's very hard not to see Jennie in a bridal gown and look somber - but my face was getting tired, especially in front of all those people. As soon as the bridesmaids started to relax, I figured it was okay for me. But I didn't figure on the groomsman that I couldn't see behind me smiling through the entire ceremony. And his personal smiling philosophy was, "If there are people in the back who can't see every last one of my molars, it's not a big enough smile." He even brushed away tears with his hand. How can I compete with that?

And then it came, "people"/my family informing me that, all things considered, I was not the best Best Man of All ever. I guess I should remember that, if I ever have to pick a Best Man of All, it would save someone a lot of trouble if I just picked a mannequin in a tuxedo. Not that I am bitter.

Not that I am entertaining negative emotions about a wedding experience! Oh no! I love weddings! They are very happy occasions that I would, if I could, live through repeatedly like some poor Greek who didn't quite make it to the Elysian Fields. No, really, I was very happy for Jennie and Taylor, who are both very good friends of mine who know how to pick excellent buffet menus and generally make your day brighter. Please... wait... NOT THE BRIDAL CAKE! NOOOO!