February 29, 2004

Great news, everybody! The Harding Communications Department, in a real act of desperation, has decided to put on the musical Chicago in the Benson for the fall musical next year! Isn't that awesome? Of course, Harding censors have let it be known that there are 7,684 too many skanky dances in the traditional version of the show, so in an act of even more desperation, the powers-that-be have decided to let yours truly (that's me) have a crack at making the play even more family friendly than it already is. After all, the kiddie matinee is a big deal for the Harding fall musical, and we can't have anything even remotely sinful, including comedy. So, I present to you here the finished product - Chicago, the Harding appropriate version! I hope you like it.

Searcy

edited by Chris Guin
2/29/04

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

(Before the curtain. A beautiful WOMAN emerges, chastely and tastefully dressed. She intones the prologue.)

CHASTE TASTEFUL WOMAN

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see a story of redemption, light-hearted amusement, improbably large smiles, and many things that are not offensive to any age group whatsoever, especially the over 50 one. all the things Harding holds near and dear to its general fund. Thank you.

(A wailing saxophone intones the opening theme. Suddenly, the band director strikes up the music.)

BAND DIRECTOR

5, 6, 7, 8!

(OVERTURE. Amidst the music, VELMA emerges, and behind her the CHORUS.)

VELMA
(ALL THAT JAZZ)
Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town?
With no pizzazz.
I tell you it's because there ain't no town.
And no pizzazz.
Start the car, I know a pleasant spot
Where the spirit's there but the piano's not,
There's lots of reverence, no causes for offense,
And no. pizz . azz !

Clasp your hands and keep your hips in place.
And no pizzazz!
Make sure you frown so hard you almost strain your face.
And no pizzazz!
Sing it like you're feeling underjoyed ,
Look like you've come down with a case of hem- orr-hoids ,
Because we all agree that fun is blasphemy!
So no. pizz . azz !

CHORUS
Oh, she's gonna worship 'til she leaves for lunch!

VELMA
But no pizzazz!

CHORUS
Oh, she's gonna disapprove of things a bunch!

VELMA
So no pizzazz!

CHORUS
Oh, she's gonna use a hymnal! Oh, 'cause PowerPoint is crim'nal !
Good is sad and change is bad,
And no pizzazz!

(Behind the chorus, ROXIE and her loving husband FRED appear. ROXIE brandishes a shirt with a horrendous ink stain.)

ROXIE
Fred? Did you leave your pen in the shirt pocket again?

FRED
Afraid so, honey.

ROXIE
Oh, Fred.

CHORUS
Oh, Fred.

ROXIE
You. you. dummy!

(The chorus gasps, the music stops, and FRED exits, emotionally distraught.)

ROXIE
I deeply regret my behavior!
(She runs away.)

VELMA AND CHORUS
And no. pizz . azz !

(BLACKOUT.)

SCENE TWO

(The MC appears.)

MC
(CELL BLOCK TANGO)

And now, the six penitent patients of the Harding University Marriage Counseling Service will sing, if you'll turn in your hymnals to page 486 (that's 4. 8. 6), the Marriage Counseling Tango! All have it, let's begin!

(The six women enter, intoning their respective words to the beat.)

WOMAN 1
Talk!

WOMAN 2
Prayer!

WOMAN 3
Anger management.

WOMAN 4
Communication.

VELMA
Process.

WOMAN 6
Openness.

ALL
We're so forgiving! Yes we're forgiving!
Although we were once quite deprived.
We didn't do it, so we worked through it,
And now our marriages have survived!

WOMAN 1
You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. Pop. So I come home one day and I'm really irritated and looking for a little sympathy and there's Bernie, laying on the couch drinking a nonalcoholic beverage and chewing. No, popping. So I said to Bernie if you pop that gum one more time. and he did! So I took the shotgun off the wall and then. initiated the conflict resolution process and our differences evaporated!

ALL
We're so forgiving! Yes, that forgiving!
We model goodness in our lives!
We're so submitting! We don't mind spitting!
We're perfect women, and perfect wives!

(They exit. The MC returns.)

MC
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Dean of Harding University will lead us in 672, that's 6. 7. 2! Please stand.

(The DEAN appears.)

DEAN
(WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA)

Ask any one alumnus that you know,
And especially the people blessed with. dough,
I love ' em all and all of them love me!
Because the system works, the system called, reciprocity!

Gotta little motto,
Always sees us through:
When you're good to Harding,
Harding's good to you.

Want to be remembered?
This is what you do:
Sign your checks to Harding,
We'll sign dorms for you!

We know you've earned your bank account,
And we don't like to prod.
But gifts above a said amount
Are gifts that go to God!

Want to limit freedom?
Corral the Harding zoo?
Make checks out to Harding,
We'll make rules for you!

(ROXIE and FRED are brought before the DEAN.)

DEAN
What seems to be the trouble?

FRED
She called me a dummy!

DEAN
Gasp! That's terrible. I'm afraid we'll have to bring out the big guns here.

MC
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the spirit-tongued prince of the Marriage Counseling Service, the one and only Billy Flynn!

(FLYNN makes a big entrance, accompanied by tens of modestly-dressed women.)

FLYNN
Is everybody here? Is everybody ready? Hit it!
(ALL HE CARES ABOUT)
I don't care about your textbook junk,
Secular psycho-bunk,
Don't mean a thing -
All I listen to is God!
(That's who I hear from.)

I don't care about your Piaget.
Jung and Freud, go away!
That's what I say.
All I listen to is God!

CHORUS
All he cares about is God!

FLYNN
Give me First Peter Three,
First Corinthians works for me!
I gave her the Holy Book,
And honest mister that's all it took!

I don't care about your sordid past,
Who's to blame, who's harassed,
Don't mean a thing,
All I care about is God!

CHORUS
All he cares about is God!

FLYNN
So, tell me. What seems to be the problem?

ROXIE
I called him a not nice thing because he let a pen bleed into his shirt pocket. Dummy.

FLYNN
Now, Roxie. Fred, apologize for letting the pen bleed. Roxie, apologize for calling him a dummy. Now, forgive each other, hug, and make up in a cloyingly smarmy way.

(They hug.)

FLYNN
Aw, isn't that sweet? Hey! No PDA here! That's long enough! See ya later, Fred. And remember, if you get a divorce, you're going straight to hell.

FRED
Thanks, Mr. Flynn! You saved our marriage! How can I ever repay you?

FLYNN
I take cash, credit, money order, or C.O.D.

(FRED exits. ROXIE turns to FLYNN.)

ROXIE
But Billy, if I can't call him a dummy, how can I get my husband to obey my every whim- I mean the commands of God?

FLYNN
Well, Roxie, there's a strategy that's worked well on me.

(RAZZLE DAZZLE)
Give him the old nag and hassle.
Nag and hassle him.
Give him that glare in sweet humility,
No man can bear that irr'tability .

Give him the passive-aggressive,
Guilt and pester him.
One tear upon your cheek can really pay.
What if he's busy, tired, or lazy?
What if he's stubborn, drives you crazy?
Nag and hassle him, and he'll do as you say.

Give him the old nag and hassle.
Nag and hassle him.
Sigh at him just the way your mama sighed.
Nag him until he's close to homicide.

Give him the old glare from Hades,
Don't let up on him.
It won't be long until he's had his fill.
Soon he'll be mowing, cleaning, raking
Heck you can even have him baking!
Nag and hassle him.

CHORUS
Nag and hassle him!

FLYNN
Nag and hassle him.
And he'll bow to your will!

(Curtain.)

End