November 19, 2003

Saying London is "expensive" is like saying the Sahara is "dry." At several fast food restaurants in the States, it is possible to get a sizeable sandwich for 99 cents. In London, a Whopper the size of a Nilla Wafer and a Dixie cup of "Coke" cost £5.00, which, after ATM fees, comes to something like 8 trillion American dollars. It is for this reason that many shopping lovers here at Harding University England have adopted the very special economic philosophy referred to as "denial."

"If I don't think about it in terms of dollars, then I'm more willing to buy it," they say, as if not buying everything you wanted while in London would just be a tragedy.

It can be a little scary in London, walking down Oxford Street (Motto: Where A Mere Five Gap Stores Just Won't Do). Everywhere you look, price tags are staring you in the face informing you of the cost of things in terms of arms and legs, especially in Harrods, which actually employs a giant vacuum on people's rear ends, sucking in their wallets in exchange for one or more teddy bears labelled "Harrods." Fortunately for me, I am not a shopper.

Saying that I am "not a shopper" is, of course, an understatement on par with saying that the Holocaust was "unpleasant." Many people I know (that is, everyone else on earth) can go into a store, see something cool, want to purchase it, and then purchase it. I often hear these people saying things like, "Hey! A dancing purple flamingo that recites show tunes in the voice of William Shatner! How much?" I'm not really like that. I don't know why, but when I go into a store, I usually end up so excruciatingly bored I fantasize about trying to commit suicide with the automatic doors (it's not easy, even in fantasies).

It's not that I'm afraid of spending money. Hardly. I will pay for something if I've wanted it for a while. I'm just not an impulse shopper. Not that there aren't plenty of people around who don't like spending money. The common word for these people is "males."

You know what I'm talking about. They are all the time going, "Well, I guess I could spend a few pounds and go to a fabulous West End experience unrivalled the world over, but I was planning on spending a quiet evening sitting alone in my darkened flat staring at the wall, which, you have to admit, is quite cost-effective." I guess I'm weird, but I don't understand this attitude.

After all, we live in the part of London known officially to mapmakers as "smack-dab in the middle." Our Florida-State-University*-owned flats are located practically next door to the British Museum.

We are only a few feet from a theatre staging continual productions of a musical based entirely on the works of Queen. Even better, there are several Burger Kings next door, as well as Soho, the district of London recently voted "Most Likely to Mistake Harding Students for Male Prostitutes." There is even an Underground Station right there, taking us anywhere in London we want to go, provided that place is West Ruislip, because all the other lines are down due to signal failures.

As you can see, there is plenty to see and do in our own backyard, so it makes no sense to sit around all day so that, when you return to the States, you'll have enough money to buy food, shelter, and clothing. I really don't understand that attitude.

There are plenty of ways to save money in London without sacrificing fun. Each week, we are given an allowance of £40.00 to use for groceries and other necessities, such as hair dye and t-shirts from Wagamama. On its own, £40.00 is hardly enough to buy a McDonald's Big & Tasty**, much less a week's worth of sustenance. But there are ways to get around this, such as "sharing," wherein each week, a different person in the flat buys orange juice, and then Adam Thompson drinks it. Through this method, we can eat in relative comfort at minimal cost, saving our money on more important things, such as stuffed cows that moo when squeezed.

Another good way to save money is to try to make your groceries last a little longer. For example, September's slightly spoiled unused can of whipped cream can be November's complete balanced dinner. Powdered sugar can always be eaten straight from the box, and tap water on cereal is just like milk in many ways. When out to eat in the pubs, look for the less expensive options - a steak and kidney pie might be an outrageous £6.20, but the Ploughman's Lunch, designed for the poor farm workers of yore and made entirely out of cheese, is a much more affordable £6.15. By remaining money conscious, avoiding impulse spending, and declaring bankruptcy early before the lines build up, you can avoid the usual monetary difficulties at the end of your fabulous London stay.

Perhaps it is not obvious to you how an average day in London can drain a year's worth of wages. Perhaps you are a fool. So, to close, I have included the following tabulation of a single day's expenditures. Hang on to your wallet.

* "Where Education and Fermented Upchucking Go Hand in Hand"

** Neither Big nor Tasty.